Archive for the ‘True Stories’ Category

Banana Fudge Diarrhea Split

Posted: December 17, 2010 by Blanus in True Stories

Today’s recipe is all about cohesion. Making sure all ingredients meld together is essential for this dish:

You will need:
-1 banana
-2 gallons of ice cream
-a friend with a mallet
-your asshole

1. Place 1 banana on a table standing upright.

2. Eat 2 gallons of ice cream in under an hour.

3. Wait 15 minutes.

4. Step up on the table and place your buttocks upon the banana.

5. While on the table, asshole-hovering-over-banana, have your mallet wielding associate slam you on the head. This should simultaneously force the banana upwards into your rectum and push the fudge ice cream squirts out.

Serves 8.

Runaway Bride 2 Announced

Posted: December 11, 2010 by Blanus in True Stories

The blockbuster success of Richard Gere’s masterpiece, Runaway Bride, has spawned a sequel dubbed Runaway Bride II. It’s doubtful a better movie will ever be made.

Thought of the Day

Posted: December 5, 2010 by malonedies in True Stories

Every once in awhile, the road of life requires us to negotiate particularly tricky twists and turns, forks, and so many branchings. Today, I came to a crossroads.

It was around 2 o’clock on a blustery December afternoon. My friend – I’ll use the generic name ‘Tim’ – asked if he could borrow my glass pipe, which I occasionally use as a device for smoking marijuana. Apparently Tim had acquired some marijuana, yet lacked a means to ingest it. Since I knew I probably wouldn’t be using the pipe for the next week or two, I said “sure.” At this point all that was left to do was arrange the logistics of the pick up.

Tim said he’d be over in a few hours to pick up the pipe. I told him that if I had to run out for any reason, I would put the pipe inside a small wooden box and then place that box in my mailbox (since today is Sunday, the mailman wouldn’t be coming by, and assuredly would not be receiving an early Christmas bonus in the form of a dainty glass pipe). Anyway, as soon as I told Tim the bowl would be waiting in a small wooden box in my mailbox, an absolutely genius idea flashed before my mind’s eye, like a streak of lightening illuminating a jet-black summer sky.

About two months ago, my younger sister was given a hamster by one of her friends. It lived for a few weeks but died suddenly, so I agreed to help her bury it in a small wooden box in our back yard. As soon as the words ‘small wooden box’ rolled off my tongue during my conversation with Tim, I glimpsed a major opportunity. I could go out back, dig up the hamster’s coffin, dust the dirt and soil off of it, and place it gently in my mailbox. Tim would arrive and see the small box in my mailbox just like he had expected to, and then swiftly take the box back to his house, where Samsonite and some other friends were waiting and itching to get high. Assuming the smell wouldn’t tip him off before he got back home, Tim would likely ascend his stairs, greet his young friends, and proceed to open the box in order to pack the pipe he was expecting to find. Instead, Tim would be greeted with the small, rotting skeleton-corpse of a decaying hamster. He would likely recoil in disgust and drop the box on the ground, which would cause the hamster-corpse to roll out onto the floor. Equally shocked and disgusted, his friends would likely jump to the conclusion that Tim had finally gone totally insane.

So, the choice was ready to be made. Should I give Tim the pipe, or should I give him the hamster?

I decided on the hamster.

A Day at the Petting Zoo

Posted: December 3, 2010 by malonedies in True Stories

My 7 year old cousin – let’s call him ‘Johnny’ – is visiting for the weekend,  and as I was driving him to see Twilight XIV at the movie theater, we both noticed a (barely visible) sign that said “Petting Zoo” set slightly off the road.

Johnny insisted that we stop, and I figured I’d rather see a few animals than watch some lame vampire movie. Anyway, we were both in for quite a surprise…..

 

 

 

 

 

First off, there were strangely a lot of canines, which surprised me because I expected to see the usual llamas, goats, pigs, or whatever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s another one in a kennel. I think they might be related.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next, there were men riding what seemed to be peacocks, but I was told they were ‘ponies.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s the type of pony I recognize:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next, we moved on to the feline area, where we got to play with this very friendly sphinx cat:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

However, it was only when we got to the ‘reptile house’ that I got a little creeped out. Here’s a scary snake – I think it’s a rattlesnake:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once we left the reptile house, we made our way to the marine tank, and to my surprise, this petting zoo had two killer whales!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, on our way out, there was a nice man bidding us farewell:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ll never forget our day at the petting zoo!

Thought of the Day

Posted: December 2, 2010 by malonedies in True Stories

Thought of the Day

For two years now, our beloved blog contributor, Scrambles, has been a member of an international social network known as ‘Chubs and Chasers’ – a social network dedicated to matching normal-sized men who fetishize extremely and horrendously fat and flabby gay men, with the Chub of their dreams. Similar to a Bear, a Chub has his own niche marked out in gay culture, and it is Chubs and Chasers’ job to get him out into the open where he can be actively ‘chased’ by a chaser like Scrambles. Here’s an example of a typical chub:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Many people mock Scrambles for his fetish; they call him a “sick, twisted pervert” and a “faggot.” We here at FoldedBrilliance, however, commend Scrambles for following – or should we say ‘chasing’? – his dream. In fact, we’re all chasing dreams of our own.

Blanus, for instance, is chasing fast cars, cocaine, and above all, his dream of achieving success in the fast-paced corporate world of New York City.

Minty Timmons (RIP), before his death, was also chasing life in the fast lane, albeit in his own way. This mainly meant doing large amounts of cocaine and flirting with young children – usually both activities simultaneously – at his place of work and in his leisure time.

Samsonite, as one might infer from his profile picture, is chasing his dream of becoming a famous athlete. He was born an athlete and hopes to die an athlete.

As for me, well, I chase the dragon to ward off my chronic case of Bieber-Fever…

The Strawberry Strudel (Updated, Again)

Posted: November 29, 2010 by Scrambles in Sketches, True Stories

Only a few moments ago we were told of devastating news.  Our close friend and personal confidant, Minty Timmons has passed.  I was told he was caught in the crossfire of a massive coke deal gone wrong in ———-.   According to eye-witnesses approximately,  “…14 machine gun bullets were fired directly into his face, and 8 into his crotch…”.  Apparently Timmons didn’t die and he was witnessed by Malonedies as he, “…withered around on the ground in gut wrenching pain for around 12 hours before a bus driver found his body.”

I commented on how I was disappointed that he had died a virgin.  However, Malonedies assured me he wasn’t, “While he was on the ground after being shot 22 times I buttfucked him and came on his mangled face…I call it a strawberry strudel.”

Re-creations of the scenes were made for court, we managed to get our hands on one of the pictures digitally enhanced to show Malonedies performing the strawberry strudel on Minty Timmons’ face.

UPDATE: THIS JUST IN!

We have acquired this post-mortem photograph of Minty Timmons from the morgue. His eyes are cloudy because the pressure that was released from his brain swelling outwards (from the gunshots) caused his retina to dissolve.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NEW UPDATE: MT’s body has been incinerated at the Assumption Catholic Cremation Center in Mississuaga, Ontario. This final picture was snapped of his remains. RIP Minty Timmons

News Update

Posted: November 21, 2010 by malonedies in True Stories

Folded Brilliance, your most trusted source for ‘fair and balanced’ accounts of breaking news that matters, brings you the following stories:

Man Dies after Boofing Hard Alcohol

Beer and Alcohol Enemas: A Drinker’s Deathwish

Family shocked by TV host Kristian Digby’s ‘sex game’ (auto-erotic asphyxiation) death

 

The Dangers of Rest Stops

Posted: November 10, 2010 by Blanus in True Stories

No, it’s not junk food and mexicans. It’s a new fear. Part slut – part lizard; they roam rest stops looking for hot, rich, truck drivers. Their proliferation is proof of success.

One should maintain caution when in a Lot Lizard’s vicinity.