This year, give that special someone the gift she REALLY wants…
Only a few moments ago we were told of devastating news. Our close friend and personal confidant, Minty Timmons has passed. I was told he was caught in the crossfire of a massive coke deal gone wrong in ———-. According to eye-witnesses approximately, “…14 machine gun bullets were fired directly into his face, and 8 into his crotch…”. Apparently Timmons didn’t die and he was witnessed by Malonedies as he, “…withered around on the ground in gut wrenching pain for around 12 hours before a bus driver found his body.”
I commented on how I was disappointed that he had died a virgin. However, Malonedies assured me he wasn’t, “While he was on the ground after being shot 22 times I buttfucked him and came on his mangled face…I call it a strawberry strudel.”
Re-creations of the scenes were made for court, we managed to get our hands on one of the pictures digitally enhanced to show Malonedies performing the strawberry strudel on Minty Timmons’ face.
UPDATE: THIS JUST IN!
We have acquired this post-mortem photograph of Minty Timmons from the morgue. His eyes are cloudy because the pressure that was released from his brain swelling outwards (from the gunshots) caused his retina to dissolve.
NEW UPDATE: MT’s body has been incinerated at the Assumption Catholic Cremation Center in Mississuaga, Ontario. This final picture was snapped of his remains. RIP Minty Timmons
Fruitbasket (n): The act — typically performed by a male — of bending over, tucking the genitalia between the legs, and squeezing the legs so the genitalia protrude from beneath the buttocks, usually with one testicle on top of the other (the penis-head resembling a mini-apple and the nuts resembling rather hairy kiwi fruits).
Example: “My bro Giorgio was bitching at me for drinking the last Miller High Life, so when he came back from the refrigerator, I had a fruit basket waiting for him!”
(Oxford English Dictionary, 22nd Edition. ©2005)