Archive for the ‘Infamous Texts’ Category

Music To My Ears!

Posted: December 16, 2010 by sams0nite in Infamous Texts

A few of my close friends were presented with the ultimate opportunity to go see Sammy Adams (Boston’s Boy) in concert. Little did they know they would be meeting one of the most down to earth, level headed, influential artists of the 21st century.

Upon arriving to the concert they were immediately engulfed in a see of teenage boys (my friends are 23). With their VIP passes they were soon admitted to the bar section of the auditorium, they were the only ones allowed to drink. Later that night, they were lucky enough to meet and actually hang out with Mr. Sammy.

As his posse eagerly awaited his arrival they began smoking the herb and further intoxicating themselves with alcoholic beverages. Upon his entrance to the building he snapped his fingers and his minions went to work, blasting Sammy Adams – I Hate College, lifting him above their shoulders, feeding him grapes and catering to his every move.

Oh and the concert was in NYC…thought that was ironic.

As you can tell, the below conversation was sparked by a fantastic experience with a truly talented artist.

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Text Re-Cap

Posted: December 2, 2010 by malonedies in Infamous Texts

Conversation between Malonedies and ex-member of the blog, Minty Timmons. This conversation occured shortly before MT died in a tragic shootout that resulted from a cocaine deal gone bad in Connecticut’s largest city.

Malonedies (12:00 pm): Have you caught a case of the Bieber-Fever like I have?

Minty Timmons (12:28 pm): Dude, of course. It’s gonna be hard going out this weekend.

Malonedies: Yeah, I need to call my doctor and tell him how I overheat everytime I see pics of JB, or hear the sweet chirp of his boyish, pre-pubescent voice.

Malonedies: Maybe he can prescribe us some meds to cure the fever….

Minty Timmons: Yeah whatever the opposite of Viagra is will be just fine for me

Malonedies: Yeah I’ve got some stuff that will practically invert your boner into a vagina… But I dunno if that’ll cure the Fever

Minty Timmons: Well fuck it’ll help… get at me if you wanna do something later

Malonedies: Yeah, I’ll sling some cum your way. When’s your lunchbreak? I’ll barrel down main street in my car, lean out the window and give you a man-chowder surprise straight to the face

Minty Timmons: Hahah miraculously i’m not working, you can give one to my boss Melinda though, I see her drinking cum shakes all the time

Nov.2010 Malonedies Texts (incomplete)

Posted: November 24, 2010 by Scrambles in Infamous Texts

Malonedies (11/21/10 – 4:10PM): I just realized I must have puked last night…Theres puke in my trashcan.  I def don’t remember being that fucked up though, or puking.  Did u puke in my trash?

——

Malonedies (11/20/10 – 7:00PM): Oh nice.  Well we should chug a’ lug some brewskies under my covers.  The four of us could have a pajama party.  No girls allowed

——

Malonedies (11/19/10 – 11:12AM): Do u happen to know any human traffickers?

Sent to Blanus

Posted: November 24, 2010 by Scrambles in Infamous Texts

Scrambles (11/21/10 – 3:24AM):  So fucked up shit now swerving everywhere

*should have texted:  ‘so fucked up  i’m actually trying to text right now’

Malonedies (10/21/10 – 8:23PM): You wanna shoot up draino and watch ‘the hills have eyes’?

——-

Malonedies (10/22/10 – 3:05PM):  Dude I was walking those dogs im getting paid to take care of back in the — woods today, and they mauled and killed a man.  It sounds weird, but I tried a few bites of his flesh too.  I couldn’t help myself…

——-

Malonedies (10/23/10 – 7:32PM):  I slept til 6pm today haha…I gotta stop doing that shit

——-

Malonedies (10/23/10 – 11:29PM): Nah his name was scooter, and I picked him up at the whiskey tavern

——-

Malonedies (10/25/10 – 10:41AM): You trying to get high one night this week and write some poetry for our blog and/or go hiking at some point, maybe boot some meth

Malonedies (10/25/10 – 10:45AM): It’s the perfect weather for a brisk fuck in the woods

——-

Malonedies (10/25/10 – 9:12PM): U should roll back to _______ tmrw…Theres some crazy shit going on

Malonedies (10/26/10 – 11:05AM): Theres some crazy shit going on tonight, you should roll back

Malonedies (10/26/10 – 11:36AM): Minty Timmons is gonna lip-sync a jonas brothers’ song with his b-hole, sams0nite is gonna take a milk-bath in my tub, and ive got wade and beer we can pour down the toilet

Malonedies (10/26/10 – 11:39AM): It’ll be like one big satanic ritual…at the end of it all I’ll cut Minty Timmons’ jugular and we’ll bleed him out into the tub and frolic in it

——

Blanus (10/27/10 – 8:19PM):  At party with Derek Jeter

Scrambles (10/27/10 – 8:21PM): Is he cute?

Blanus (10/27/10 – 8:25PM): Yea his girlfriend is even hotter

Scrambles (10/27/10 – 8:28PM):  See if you can put in a good word for me

Blanus (10/27/10 – 11:47PM): Eat shit

Scrambles (10/27/10 – 11:48PM): How was the party

Blanus (10/27/10 – 11:49PM): Ptetyyb cool.  I stole his wallet

Scrambles (10/27/10 – 12:01PM):  I call his metro card

A Walk in the Park

Posted: November 10, 2010 by malonedies in Infamous Texts

11/09/2010 – Text message conversation between Malonedies and friend of the blog, A. Bronzestein:

Malonedies (5:06pm) I’ll pay you $20/hour to put me on a leash and take me for daily walks at Winslow Park. You’ll have to tell me frequently that I’m a good boy, and you’ll also have to pick up my shit with a little baggy. But other than that it’s pretty easy money. And no one will recognize us because we’ll both be wearing black leather gimp-masks. What do you think?

A. Bronzestein (7:14 pm) I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, but I signed the “do not call list” so you should not be soliciting my business. Anyway, the only way I would do something as fucking sick as that would be if I could be compensated in Delta Sky Miles, and wear a Louis Vuitton gimp mask with fox fur at the neck, rather than that disgustingly unfashionable black pleather you mentioned.

Malonedies (7:18pm) That’s a deal. You’ll have to drive me to the ‘pound’ afterwards, but I’ll pay for the gas. This is the mask I’ll be wearing:

A. Bronzestein (7:20pm) Hahaha that’s so fucked up

Malonedies (9:30am, the next morning) You know you’ve still got a raging boner

Good PB&J Recipe

Posted: November 3, 2010 by malonedies in Infamous Texts

Text-message conversation between Malonedies and Scrambles:

Malonedies: Want to know a great prank to play on a friend? Drug them with rohypnol or something like that to put them to sleep. Then spread a healthy amount of chunky peanut butter and raspberry jelly all up and down their asscrack. Like, make a PB&J ass-wich. When they wake up, they’ll think they shat their living guts out, and for a period of a few minutes will experience pure terror.

Malonedies: Fear is my sustenance.

Scrambles: They would only be afraid for a split second then they would smell the peanut butter pretty fast, good trick though, I would use raw eggs and cottage cheese

Malonedies: But you at least need some jelly or something red in there to make them think they’re internally bleeding

Malonedies: Samsonite, Minty Timmons, and Clark B. Hayes are coming over tonight for a PB&J fest. We’re gonna make sandwiches and chill out.

Scrambles: I’m working tonight.

Malonedies: You know, dab a little PB on the B-hole, jelly on the belly, bread on the head. I’ll try to videotape it all for you, but I’m sure it’ll get messy.

Scrambles: Can you stream it live on the site?

Malonedies: I’m not too great with computers but my gimp is. I’ll see what he can do.

Scrambles: K don’t let him get near a phone though keep an eye on him

Malonedies: He couldn’t use one anyway, his ball-gag is permanently connected to his head.

Scrambles: Looks like he’s in great shape what kind of diet do you feed him?

Malonedies: I exclusively feed him chocolate cake

Question of the Day: How Thick is your Dick?

Posted: October 24, 2010 by malonedies in Infamous Texts

Malonedies (1:27 pm) How thick is your dick?

Scrambles (1:29 pm) 1cm… why, how thick is yours?

Malonedies (1:32 pm) Uh, definitely thicker than that… that thing would break off in someone’s butt like a no. 2 pencil at the slightest twitch of the sphincter

Scrambles (1:33 pm) Whatever its like 2.5 feet long though

Malonedies (1:34 pm) Augh, that nasty little worm needs to be put underground, where it belongs. Next time I see you I’m gonna clip it off

Scrambles (2:02 pm) Haha your like the mother in red dragon

Malonedies Turns 24!

Posted: October 24, 2010 by sams0nite in Infamous Texts

Scrambles and I had a great idea…

Scrambles 11:55 AM – It’s Malonedies birthday today im gonna make a huge cake for him that you’re gonna get into and jump out of naked…

Creative ? YES, a good idea? CERTAINLY, realistic ABSOLUTELY, were we going to do it? DEFINITELY – at least we thought.

This is a text.

Posted: October 22, 2010 by Scrambles in Infamous Texts

Malonedies 10:31AM:  Reading an ethnography about a !Kung! Bushmen in africa who lit his anus on fire because he thought it was talking to him and influencing him in evil ways

Scrambles 10:32AM:  Me and Samsonite found a fetus on the road last night and roasted it on an open fire till it turned crispy, then ate it with tarter sauce

Malonedies 10:33AM:  He basically considered it an animate living thing, and when it ‘discharged gas’ he freaked the fuck out, started running around wildly, and finally took the torch to his own asshole

Scrambles 10:33AM:  I did that to my penis a few days ago

Malonedies 10:33AM:  Hahaha

Malonedies 10:35AM: A human fetus was it?  Whatd u guys end up doing

Malonedies 10:37AM:  Damn, bitches are tossing their foetuses like they’re yesterdays turkey these days

Scrambles 10:38AM:  Ya every few hours for the past 23 years my penis shoots out a stream of fluid so i just covered it in gasoline and burne it down to a nub

Scrambles 10:38AM:  I told you we cooked it up and ate it, but if you want me to be more specific his mom cooked it up for us italian style with some meatballs and plenty of sauce

Malonedies 10:39AM:  Hahah…Good, it was probably possessed by baraka or negative mana… You did the right thing

Malonedies 10:40AM:  Haha i wouldnt expect any other form of preparation from Samsonites birther

Scrambles 10:40AM:  Their loss though its damn good eating, especially if you can get the after birth fluids for the sauce but thats real hard to get since you’d have to be there to collect it when the premature birth happens

Malonedies 10:41AM:  Augh gross

Malonedies 10:43AM:  Its common practice in african tribes if a foetus is born to a couple who are thought to have committed incest, the baby is sliced in half longitudinally upon birth, its genitals cleanly sliced in two.  It absolves the responsibility of the incesting couple in the gods’ eyes

Malonedies 10:43AM:  I gotta lend you this book after im done haha

Scrambles 10:44AM:  Sometimes i find pregnant women in [insert any inner city] and just brutally punch and kick their stomachs to tenderize the fetus before i cut the belly and scrape out the soggy lifeless fetus from her uterus, sometimes i cant even wait to get it home and cook it so ill just devour it on the spot hovering over the soon to be dead woman dripping the juices all over her face as i feast

Scrambles 10:45AM:  Ya ill read it, sounds like good bedtime reading

Malonedies 10:45AM  Hahah jesus christ, i should turn you into the police.  Im down with most stuff, but thats just brutal

Malonedies 10:47AM:  I think you’d be happier living amongst savages..  You weren’t meant for modernity

Scrambles 10:48AM:  Im a beast among men

Malonedies 10:49AM:  I think i can safely agree with that

Scrambles 10:50AM:  I want to run on all fours naked and wild in the streets covered with blood and tearing apart any living soul that comes near me

Malonedies 10:51AM:  Hahaha..  That sounds like it would be such a rush

Scrambles 10:51AM:  Animal blood though not human

Scrambles 10:52AM:  Tell me about it I would probably cum 14 times before I killed the 5th person

Malonedies 10:52AM:  Just armed with sharp rocks, for slicing open the bellies

Malonedies 10:53AM:  Hahah…with one hand you’re slicing bellies left and right, and with the other you’re just violently beating off

Malone dies 10:58AM:  Wow, you’re a sick fuck…